Okay. I didn't have a great night last night. I went to the Zen Center in Cumberland planning to stay overnight after 2 hours of meditation. I knew I was going to be late for dinner so I ate before I got there. On the website for the center there are pictures of some very neat and clean rooms (and I have seen some of these nice rooms). I got to the Center with some time before the first meditation so I checked out my room. Now, understand, this is not supposed to be something to complain about. A room is a room just like food is food. It serves a purpose but it certainly isn't supposed to be luxurious (just like food is about nutrition not taste) and I didn't expect it to be. It was, however, very disappointing and I feel bad that I feel this way. The room was dirty, dusty, dusty cobwebs in the corners of the ceiling, etc. It appears my room was in a section of the building that had been igrnored for a long time. I have seen some of the rooms there and they are very nice.
I had a choice of two twin beds: one that was soft and noisy and one that was as hard as a rock and quiet. I slept on the noisy one. After meditating until 8:30, I went to my room and settled in. I had my laptop with me so I spent a little time on the internet (they have WIFI) and then I read until 11:00 when I went to bed. I woke up at 1:30am and just couldn't fall back to sleep. My asthma was also bothering me (probably due to all of the dust) and I didn't have an inhaler with me. I was miserable but tried to stick it out until 5:00am when the gong would sound and we would all go to the Dharma Room for bows and meditation until 7:00. I ended up going home at 3:00am. I was exhausted.
The whole night was tough really. I had trouble getting clear during seated meditation and my back was killing me. I guess I picked the wrong night to stay overnight. I was in a bad mood when I got there also (I was carrying around a lot of karma that I should have left at the door but was unable to).
Clear mind is the idea. It was tough last night. I will try again another time and soon. How am I going to do a multi-day retreat if I can't handle a night? Don't know...it's all a learning experience. If you look for something, you won't find it. If you clear your mind, it may find you.
Peace!
A good friend gave me some nice feedback on all of this which was much appreciated. That room that was not being used for a while was waiting for me to occupy it. I should have embraced everything and not complained about how things effected "me."
ReplyDeleteTo quote Joan: "I think you were right where you were supposed to be. When we can find peace in the mess we are there (enlightened). Your story made me think about how I bring all my judgements with me as in: cobwebs, uncomfortable noisy beds, then the mind goes to asthma and all the fear arrives. None of our thoughts are really true at all, the mind just ruins all of our experiences. To find joy in the cob web and the spider that weaved it just for your eyes would have been a miracle."
Thanks Joan!